Are you sleepwalking through life?
Sent by Lauren Jane Heller | April 6, 2022
On Monday night I watched myself spiral into drama. I watched myself choose overwhelm, get grumpy with Charlie, get distracted and break an agreement I made with Josh.
There were so many emotions swirling. There I stood at the fulcrum of the seesaw, one foot on each side, feeling and watching myself go up and down shifting a little with each bounce, trying my best not to fall.
This, in itself, is a victory. Now I can see that — from a distance. I was aware enough that I could watch myself choosing to sink below consciousness, react from frustration, from fear, from exhaustion.
When I climbed into bed, I put a pillow on top of my head and toyed with the idea of letting myself dive deep into the well of self-pity. Then, Josh began to breathe deeply. Long deep inhales, long full exhales. I followed him. I got annoyed that his breaths were too long. I found his rhythm again. I could have asked him to help me ground myself but I didn’t. Part of me wanted to stay in the drama. But he kept breathing and I kept following until I woke from a dream and realized I had been asleep.
Yesterday morning, and this morning again, I remind myself that even when my hormones are raging, even when I’m frustrated and low, I can either choose to be awake or I can sleepwalk. Sleepwalking is much easier but also much more dramatic.
When I am awake, the sadness comes and goes, the frustration is momentary. I can either choose to be here, present in the moment, or I can let my mind wander, I can let myself get sucked into the terrible fantasies of failure and ruin or whatever else my mind conjures from this place. I can let myself push away the feelings and imagine all of the wonderful things that could happen rather than acknowledging that maybe there is a little bit of discomfort right now, and that’s perfectly okay.
Today, I choose to remind myself that however I feel, whatever I think, whatever I choose to do or be is perfectly okay.
Maybe you needed that reminder today too. Let me know if you did 
Love always,
LJ
P.S. Like the new look? I LOVE it!
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