How Are You Doing?

Sent by Lauren Jane Heller    |    December 30, 2021

Hi friend!

How are you doing? How has this week been for you?

For me, it’s been a lot. It’s been full with some moments of calm and quiet.
There has been a lot of processing. I have noticed my ego be a total jerk, noticed pitiless thoughts arise. One thought in particular jarred me the other day. I could not believe such a thing could come from my mind but there it was. I have learned to be kind with myself so I didn’t spiral. That part of me speaks with venom because she is afraid. What she needs is compassion and love.

I have noticed myself revert back to my 8-year-old, 16-year-old, 22-year-old selves in the presence of my parents. They are all still here, hanging out, looking for love, attention, criticism, conflict. I have also felt what it is to be with them in total acceptance, with my heart wide open. I am the ancient child who is cosmic love. Even with my family. Especially with my family.
I have cried. I have cried for myself. I have cried for my loved ones. I have cried for humanity. I have cried for the child I did not have. I have cried for the child I once was.

I have laughed. I have giggled gleefully with my kids. I have guffawed with my mother. I have cried tears of love with and for my best friend, my chosen family.

There have been moments when I have chosen to escape. To have another drink. To have a puff. I chose to alter my reality because I wanted to feel that difference, to be in another mode. I am aware that I made that choice and it simply is. I am not punishing myself for not being perfectly present. Perfect in every way. That is a heavy burden I no longer choose to carry. I choose to be here for it all. And I get to decide what “it” is.

I have given myself the gift of time and space. I have recognized that time is only scarce if I make it so. I will drift through the next week outside the bounds of clock time. I will expand minutes into lifetimes. I will play with and create the reality I will reside in. I offer my children that same gift which I notice as I write this, they already have.

It’s been beautiful. It’s been healing. It’s been connecting. It’s been disorienting. It’s been challenging. It’s been all of the things and I can hold them all because that’s the beauty of being human: we can hold so much. We can hold it all.

I hope you have given yourself space to be with yourself outside of the busyness of family and plans, when you have been alone, outside of the spinning of your own mind. I hope you have allowed yourself to take pause and not think of resolutions and doing but simply be with the magic inside and all around you.

You are so loved. You are love. Thank you for being you.