Back to Life

Sent by Lauren Jane Heller    |    August 25, 2021

Returning home after three weeks of vacation, three weeks of spaciousness, three weeks of being in nature, firmly planted, aware, easy... Let's say it hasn't been a breeze. 
 
I notice the parts of myself that want to control everything starting to jockey for position. I notice the part of myself that wants to be overwhelmed and victimized looking for attention, shouting at me about how much I have to do. I notice the part of myself that wants to get everything right, that wants to be perfect, that wants to be the straight A student — the good girl — trying to take over from the witch I am, the powerful, creative, laser-sharp witch I have always been. 

The witch is the earth. The witch is grounding and flow and vision and purpose. She is clarity. She is capable of holding at all. She is in charge.

And still, the other parts of me shout. What should I focus on? Will I be ready for all of the work coming up? There’s too much! You need to work harder! I don’t want this! This is hard! This is what you committed to: you have to do it! I don’t want to!  (They're pretty noisy.)

Will I do it all, can I do it all? Do I want to do it all?

I see, as the witch, that I don’t want to and I don’t have to. There are the things that need to be done, the things I choose to do, and then, there are all the other things I can let go of. 

I can let go of listening to the voice that wants to be rescued. I can reassure that part of myself that I am fully capable of taking charge and succeeding.

I can let go of the fear that I’m going to get something wrong and remind that part of myself that this is all an experiment and if something doesn’t go the way I think it will, it’s a lesson learned and I can readjust and try again. 

I can remind the part of myself that wants to check out and hide and escape that there’s so much to see, so much to wonder at and feel excited about if I can only be here rather than out there in the ether, in my mind, weaving stories.

And so, I can bring myself back down to earth.

I can watch the bumblebees flitting between the morning glories. I can feel the warmth and softness of my cat on my lap. I can look at the sky and feel joyful to be alive. I can remember that there are no problems, only situations. Yes, I have a lot to do and what a gift, honour and opportunity it is to do this amazing work! To be the mother of my incredible girls, to be the partner of a man I am smitten with 13 years in. What a joy it is to live this life of my choosing, of my creation! 

I know that those voices will always be there and I can choose to help them feel safe. The world and life will keep showing up the way they do and I get to choose how I want to be. I can give love and compassion to all the parts of myself that feel afraid and overwhelmed or want to hide or run away. And I can keep moving forward with commitment and intention. I can remember that it's all up to me — that I get to be the author of my own story and what an adventure that story is.