Wake-up Call

Sent by Lauren Jane Heller    |    June 10, 2022

My chest feels tight and I feel sick to my stomach. My heart has been racing since I woke up just after 4am and I feel the tears in my throat and behind my eyes. I’m taking deep breaths, feeling my womb, pulling the energy into my heart, feeling it cycle through my chest into my throat. My heart rate slows. I feel my feet. I bring myself fully here.

These past two weeks have emotionally been the most tumultuous I can remember. Twelve days ago our beloved cat got hit by a car and had to undergo emergency surgery. On the same day, Josh started to feel unwell and made an appointment to see his doctor. Within 48 hours he was instructed to go straight to the emergency room. His blood was almost septic from an infection.

I also kicked off the new Clarity program last Wednesday — the culmination of months of work and years of dreaming. I did take pause to celebrate it, taking much of the day off, buying myself flowers, walking by the river. Josh was still home at that point and we said we would have a family celebration the following night. I took him to the ER that morning.

I have shed more tears, I have felt more emotion: more fear and sadness, more gratitude and wonder, more anger and frustration, more disappointment and powerlessness, more clarity and hope than I have ever felt before.

I have awoken every morning with a massive stress response, my body telling me in no uncertain terms that I need to be on high alert. Something is at threat. Watch carefully. Be ready.

The most important things have come sharply into focus. Connected time with my children, my husband, my family, my community. More time in and with nature, in and with myself. Continue expanding into transformational work. It’s why I’m here. Knowing I can help others to create beautiful lives, realize dreams, transform themselves and the world. This feels clear.

Watching plants grow. Being in the mud. Feeling it all. Appreciating what’s here for me, what I can learn from this. Watching myself resist it. Letting go of control. Surrender. Calm. Grounding. Watching the cycle begin all over again.

Rather than burning everything down — my usual response to a crisis — it feels different this time. I don’t want to start all over but I can see what needs to go.

“Controlled burn” Josh said.

Yes. That’s what’s required to help everything to flourish. The important parts need more space to grow and thrive.

The wake-up call is loud. It makes me smile to think of how many people have been heeding their own calls these past few years. We need community and nature and a sense of purpose and discovery. The right blend of certainty and uncertainty. We don’t need the stuff. We don’t need to compete. What we need is more connection, more clarity, more spaciousness, more awareness that our time here is short and we get to decide every moment how we spend it.

Have you heard the call too? If you have, I'd love to hear how it came. Did you listen? Did you make a change? This one wasn't my first and certainly won't be my last. That's the thing about deep knowing and clarity. They're there underneath all of the doing and being busy and rushing around. It just takes a pause — whether externally imposed or intentionally created — to bring them out. 

I wish you a beautiful, spacious weekend and hope you can give yourself time to pause and get clear on what you really truly want. 

Love always, 

LJ