An Unexpected Birthday Present

Sent by Lauren Jane Heller    |    April 22, 2022

Today I am 39. As I opened my eyes to the dawn of my fortieth year, the sky was clear, the sun was shining. 

My week has been mostly free of work and it has been refreshingly quiet in my head. This is because I have been sick with Covid — sicker than I’ve been for years. I have given myself the space to recuperate. It has felt like a healing balm. 

While my body has been sick, my mind has been clear. It is similar to the clarity of a fasted state or marathon running or jumping from a high place. There are no distractions here. My intellect has not been required much and so it has been easy to put it aside. It is a beautiful thing and feels like true freedom.  

There is no to-do list pulling me from the moment. No ping-ponging thoughts pushing me around. It has simply been quiet. Deliciously calm and quiet, like floating in the ocean looking at the sky. I have chosen to write. I have chosen to watch cartoons with the girls. I have chosen to sleep. I have, at moments, chosen to simply drift between this world and others, between wakefulness and dreaming, and visit the other places and times that call to me. 

The key now is to maintain this spaciousness as I recover: to remember that I can continue to stay in this crisp, bright place, where colours are brighter and flavours taste more potent and the moment is full and expansive and the only place I choose to be.

Today I welcome this newfound clarity. I welcome this new level of consciousness and the peace that comes with it. 

Today I claim this serenity. I choose to stay in connection with myself and trust that whatever comes to pass is the greatest gift.

Today I let go of the urge to prove myself. There is goal-setting that is accomplished by force, for fear of missing out, of failing. I have been working toward freeing myself from this particular way of creating my life for a while. Today I let it go. 

Today I commit to offering this transmission of freedom to all others who are ready to let go of their constricted way of being and shift toward taking action from a place of ease and love and clarity. 

Today I also choose to laugh at myself, to keep it light, should I catapult back into fear or planning or control-mode, knowing that the pathway back to this place is still there even when it’s foggy or dark.  

Today I offer my heart, the cosmic heart, my connection to the earth, to the universe, the pathways to opening to all beings. I offer my support and the razor sharp edge of the blade of clarity to all who step forward to claim their own freedom. 

For you who are reading this, thank you for being here. Thank you for your love, your support, your curiosity. Thank you for witnessing me in my growth. Thank you for committing to your own. It’s a wild, infinite road. The more I open my heart, mind and soul to it, the more I laugh and cry and feel all the things, the more doors keep opening. 

 

I love you.

 

LJ 

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